Knights Apocalyptica
Chapter 32: Cold Hate

“At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: 'I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?'

So you were born to feel 'nice'? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands?

You don’t love yourself enough. Or you’d love your nature too, and what it demands of you.”

- Marcus Aurelius, Meditations (175, 2nd Era)

The rest of the second-year fights received various amounts of cheering and support. They were interesting enough, sure. The change to behold how far a single year of the Academy changed their initiates and began to set them down the path they would walk as a Knight set Erec’s heart on fire. But the worry for what was to come dampened the rest of the brawls.

After an initiate's second year, they'd be made into Knight Errants. They weren't quite full-fledged Knights yet at the Knight Errant level. But at that point, it was mostly their own training that would push them forward. They advanced further by upholding their tenets and strengthening themselves as a Knight.

Though it wasn’t wholly unguided, a Knight Errant got squired to a higher ranking Knight to receive criticism and suggestions on the path they forged.

Knight Errants filtering in and out of the Academy was a common sight. Many Knight Commanders had a few under their wings, having picked them to continue to teach during their time in the Academy.

That was a long-off goal for Erec, to be a force that people looked up to with stars in their eyes. He wanted to inspire the children in the depths of the underground Kingdom and become a man to yank back their land from the monsters and let more humans return to living under the sun. But that dream conflicted with his goal, the desire to track down his mother and demand answers. How could he do both?

The fights ran their course. Once they ended, the initiates were split into smaller groups to be led back to the Academy proper.

“Erec.” Lyotte gave him a slight nod as she joined his assigned group. Her black curls spilled wildly down her back; the uniform suited her. She looked every part what a noble of a Knight Academy should. Head held high, and a determination in her gaze to do her best.

“Dame Lyotte,” Erec decided to be a little more formal. He’d agreed to take things back to square one with her, but the odd behavior and her near obsession with ‘helping him’ threw him off. Who was he to turn away a potential ally? Even if she was oddly behaved. Though… “One of my dorm-mates is a former maid from your house.”

“Yes, of course. You met Olivia, she’s very kind, isn’t she?” Lyotte asked with a smile. “A bit stuffy, even when you ask her not to be, but a dear friend of mine.”

Well she didn’t try to hide their relationship. They were connected, but how far did it extend past what Lyotte said? Were they even actually friends? Olivia's particular capabilities were too strange for a maid, but how much did Erec want to press in and try to fish for answers? “She’s nice, yeah. I think we’ll get along fine.”

“Then I’m glad, Erec. You deserve to be surrounded by people who can support your goals.” What the hell?

Erec let that hang in the air as more joined their assigned group. Including one sour face. Colin strode into their ranks, wearing a scowl and wrapped in a dark mood, which was somewhat undercut by the puffy red eyes. He’s been crying. That’s why he ran off where nobody could see him; but it was hard to hide the evidence, even if he’d wiped away his tears. Erec… Hated that he felt pity for the arrogant prick. Each step since the trial, more and more of Colin’s failures and detestable choices were unearthed for everyone to see.

Even Erec felt secondhand embarrassment for how he compared to his peers, let alone how far he fell from the Unbroken General.

That must be like a crushing weight on Colin’s chest. Yet, the boy was so goddamn cruel for the sake of it.

Colin’s eyes filled with malice as he took in Lyotte. “I’m surprised your father let you attend the Academy, little bird. I thought he’d shove you back into your cage after that trial put you in danger.” Here we go again. In one smooth sentence, Colin stripped away the barest bit of empathy Erec began to feel. He was left with pure exasperation at the momentous task left to him by the arrogant noble’s father. Erec rubbed his eyes.

“I’m fortunate my mother doesn’t tolerate his overprotective streak,” Lyotte responded coldly. “I’m sure that your heartbreaking defeat at the hands of House Doctus’ daughter will reach your father’s ears by the end of the day. I do wonder how he’ll react.”

Colin winced like she’d backhanded his face.

Erec’s eyes traveled between them, and cold hostility hung in the air. Damn near real enough to give him shivers. Their ranks filled with five more students—two from each of the Orders, based on an overview of the pins adorning their Academy uniforms.

Once everyone was there, an instructor collected them and led them into the depths of the Academy, down two floors, and into a wing of private chambers with no windows. Deep in the belly of the beast.

The most prominent object in the middle of the chamber they entered was the soft blue glow of an inscribed glyph. Large circles lapped over one another with geometric shapes carved between its rings. Typically when one did spell-work like this, they tended to cover it to hide away and preserve the glyph. But no, this one was plain to see, soft blue glow and all.

Everyone avoided crossing the threshold of the glyph as they lined the side of the otherwise empty room.

Their instructor cleared their throat after closing the door.

“The test of resolve is simple in principle. When I bid you, all of you will enter the glyph in the center of the room. However, this is not a test for you alone; you will be working with the other Knight from your Order. You must last within the ring for as long as possible; should the other Knight from your Order fold, you will also be disqualified. The last Order standing is considered the victor of this test. However, the time you do last will be noted for grading purposes. Show us your resolve, and overcome the competition from the other Orders with your teammate.”

Erec squinted as he looked at the long circular lines of the outer glyph. Why would they fold? Worse, this wasn’t based on just him. He’d have to rely on a notoriously weak link to get a good grade on the exam. He looked at Colin; the haughty noble was still staring at his feet with a red face. How is it fair I have to rely on him to do well?

“You have three minutes to strategize with your teammate, and then the test will begin.”

Immediately the duos of initiates broke off into whispered conversation. Colin didn’t budge from his spot at all.

Erec looked at the white glow of the glyph on the floor, frowning. Why would this make them leave? What about this was going to test their resolve? There didn’t appear to be a maximum time limit either. But then, there was magic involved. And evidently some strategy. While Erec didn’t have insight into this test, he guessed that it would take place every year, which meant someone with knowledge of the Academy’s inner workings might know what they were about to face.

If Colin wouldn’t budge, then he would. Erec moved to him and asked the question. “What is this test about?”

“You must face yourself.” Colin looked at the white lines on the ground, wiping at an eye.

Either he wasn’t looking up at his prospects of doing well, or Lyotte’s line about his father was a heavy point to him. I’d feel the same if my father was the Unbroken General. The pressure Erec faced as a child due to being compared to his brother had to be minimal to the sort of pressure from being the son of an actual war hero. "Don’t hold me back.” Colin firmed his shoulders and looked Erec in the eyes.

“I’m not the one we have to worry about.” Erec shot back. Every step he took towards feeling like Colin was getting the short end of a stick, the boy decided to act out and show off what a prick he was.

They spent the rest of their time in silence; until the instructor called for them to enter the ring.

As Erec crossed that glowing blue line, a deep shiver ran through his body. Coldness bit up from his legs, traveling through his veins and tainting his inside. Uncomfortable goosebumps prickled the back of his neck as if he'd stepped into a pool of ice. Based on everyone else's alarmed expressions, they were also likely having the same troubles.

“The test has begun. Last as long as you can manage.”

Colin stood next to Erec, silent. All of them were quiet. A deep, cold quiet, the kind he might imagine in those dead, frozen fields described in old-world biome texts.

And then the whispers began.

“Bedwyr’s brother? His mother’s a filthy traitor. We should have burnt their whole family in a pyre. How long until they betray us too?”

Erec’s head darted around, eyes wide. Which one of these bastards—

“Think they’ll sell us out to a rift-walker, too?”

No one was speaking, yet the voices filtering in his head swirled and hissed with venom. Each comment was a jab against his psyche, scraping against his mind. The rest of the initiates were having similar reactions, eyes widening and looking around. There was no source of the voices, yet the cold increased. Erec breathed out a puff of white.

“I can’t wait for him to die in the wastes; He’ll go nowhere but into a shallow pit.”

His skin crawled as if a hundred fingers were scuttling along its surface. Erec twitched and shook his head, the voices digging deeper. They were worming into his skin, trying to dig their way inside and rot him from the inside out.

“Failure. Disgrace. Burn him.”

“F-fuck…” Erec muttered, teeth chattering. A quick glance around at the rest of the initiates told him that nobody was withstanding this very well. The rest of them had gone pale—Colin had tears running down his eyes, his pupils wide and a pure terror and fear on his face.

“He’ll end up killing someone with that talent of his. Better to end it now, put him down like the mad dog he is.”

Colin began to step towards the edge of the ring. No. Erec grit his teeth—a shaking hand lashing out and snapping around Colin’s wrist. His fingers dug in as he felt Colin’s ice-cold veins. As if he was a corpse. With pure horror, Colin tried to yank his arm away to leave the circle but failed to break Erec’s grip. His Strength was too much for the lanky Duke’s son to overcome without the advantage of his Armor.

“Let the machine take over; even if it isn’t a human, its worth a million times what he is.”

Erec’s body spasmed as the cold contracted his muscles. He was freezing alive. One of the girls to his right stepped out of the ring, yet he hardly glanced at her. Instead, he narrowed his point of focus to the shaking Colin in front of him. “I d-d-don’t care what it says,” Erec’s teeth chattered as he threw everything he had left in him. “S-stay.”

“I-I-I can’t…” Colin cried out, tears fully giving forth, an awful line of mucus running from his nose. Frost crawled on their hands and paled skin, a spreading chill of death. “I-I’m a failure.”

Another one of the contestants walked out.

“Why was he born? We don’t need him. We have Bedwyr.”

Each comment dug deeper in his heart—planting itself there and festering like rotten weeds. Its thorny roots tangling around and spawned forth a dozen echoing whispers, strengthening the part of him that lurked in the shadows. This glyph gave a tangible voice to the doubts and shadows in his heart. They were endless now; vicious words about him, his mother, and his friends. Stupid. Foolish. Erec was a blight upon the world and everyone he contacted. He’d be better dead, and his friends would have more fulfilling lives without him on this earth.

Erec twitched and fought against the voices—Colin stopped fighting him and stayed in place. Sᴇaʀch* Thᴇ ɴøvᴇlFɪre.ɴet website on Gøøglᴇ to access chapters of nøvels early and in the highest quality.

There were only two groups left now—Lyotte’s with her partner and him and Colin. Lyotte seemed the best composed of everyone, straight in the middle of the circle with her eyes toward the ceiling. Her partner was on the ground, tears welling from her eyes and freezing on her face.

“I’m nothing compared to him…” Colin whispered, hunching over. Erec felt the air burn in his chest; how much longer before they froze alive? Would he die? How long had it been? Each second dragged on an eternity of torment and self-hate.

“Then get better. We’re not them, so who cares? We’ll make ourselves into something else. They’re not us, Colin. They’re not here, and now, only we can do this. Be strong.” Erec said, barely conscious of his own words. Black tinged the edge of his vision. He slipped to the ground, the ability to hold Colin giving out as the thousands of horrible shadowy words sieged his mind.

His breath hitched; he took in a lungful of frozen air as his control began to vanish. A deep shadow of regret and anger came in a possessive tide to suck away every bit of joy in his life.

What was the point? Why put himself through this?

Colin took a step toward the edge of the circle, sobbing in full.

“Don’t go. Colin. We can do this together.” Erec pulled the words out of somewhere deep; the swirling ocean of shadows closed around on him. They dragged his mind to the depths of hell as his body froze over. How long until death?

But he wouldn’t give in to them. They’d been with him his whole life, hiding in every success. Jabbing at him whenever they saw an opening. This self-hate was always present, but now, it wasn’t hiding.

Colin stopped at the edge, collapsing to his knees. He stared at Erec.

But he didn’t step out of it.

“Congratulations.” The instructor called. The glow on the circle vanished.

Lyotte’s partner had left the glyph, though Lyotte stood in the center, her face still raised to the heavens. Slowly she looked at Erec and Colin, a sad smile on her face. “You two did well. This is my loss, then.”

The shadowy voices vanished, and the cold seeped away to life's warmth once more. Erec shuddered in his spot.

“Well done, seven minutes and twenty seconds. Victory goes to the Order of the Verdant Oak.” The instructor nodded. “An hour for recovery, then you shall be expelled back to your Orders. The day after tomorrow, you’ll receive your scores and course assignments.”

Erec noted the blinking in the corner of his vision from the blessing. He willed it open as he summoned the energy to return to his feet.

Psyche Advancement: Rank F - Tier 7 → Rank F - Tier 8

There it was, another advancement. They were coming faster than ever before, as he kept pushing against his limits. He was gaining power quickly, far more efficiently than on his own deep underground. This place would only drive him further. All he needed to do was keep pushing, and he’d reach his dream.

The hateful words still polluted his mind, but compared to the light of the potential future he saw; they hid away.

All he needed was power. With enough power, he’d reach that light. Keep up the pace. The Academy had been the right decision. Of that, he was sure.

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